top of page
  • Writer's pictureNeha Joshi

The Judgemental Self

I have always had a problem with judgements. Although someone mentioned that aren’t they obvious I still try not to come to judge people based on solitary actions they take or label them just because they behaved in a certain fashion. Especially I think in a woman’s life, judgements are made so many times about her that she hates them. She is judged based on her dress, her way of talking, her way of sitting, her way of thinking and the list is endless.

I guess we need to arrest this form of the compulsive urge of judging people around us so that maybe we approach them in a better way. All through our lives even as we begin to learn the rules of social life as kids, we always want to be acceptable. Hardly are there beings who give a damn and lead a life they truly want to live. The social conditioning happens at that level first. Even when we believe in a life that is very different from the widely accepted norms, we keep it secret. Don’t we? All of us have some life that is truly ours and ours alone but we never share it with the world. Maybe we do that in front of only a select few. Close friends for many and for very lucky ones it’s their family or a member of their family.

Personally, for me, I have had so much inside me that just never came out in the open. Not even with near ones for the fear of losing their trust or shocking them with my choices or even for the fear of hurting them. All through my life, I was moulded because my parents wanted me to be a certain way, my friends took a certain career route, my peers were climbing up the ladder at a pace that wasn’t mine. The world back then was very different. My choices of life were driven by societal rules. Probably everyone’s was. We are all compelled to keep our desires deep down inside us. I loved to act, sing and dance, but these weren’t considered respectable choices for a career. The life that people in this profession led wasn’t very comfortable, which is true, but isn’t it important to channelize someone’s talent and wishes? Well, maybe it could have been channelized into some form of performing art. Today when I get the slightest opportunity to be there, I completely transform, for that little period. Even my career choices have been such that in some way my creative side comes to the fore.

This is what judgement does to you. You inherently try to change your true self and many times do not even realise what is it that you truly desire. It takes years of peeling off layers of this conditioning and breaking away from the thoughts and judgements of people that you truly see that you probably forget about your own self.

I am blessed to have a lovely group of girlfriends who understand me and support me the way I am. I have very recently started to accept my true self. Thanks to Lockdown, this forced recluse has made me go inside me and just let myself be. I don’t chase a stupid career anymore, instead, I design my work protocols and offerings and present them to clients who either can accept them or choose not to work with me. I feel empowered. I choose to spend time in things that satisfy my soul which happen to be singing, gardening, reading, meditating and being with my kids. Work is now a part of my life but doesn’t form a compulsive path to chase. I am happy offering what I do best, which is writing and translating content that works for you. Not bothering about judgements has made me truly happy inside out.

However, it does bother me many times when I see that so many of my friends and counterparts, me included are still facing criticism for the simple choices they make. They don’t miss a single opportunity to judge us wrongly, based on their assumptions and thought processes. They never realize that the moment they form an opinion on someone, it’s just an opinion, not the reality. I very recently spoke to a friend who was so much against full time working women and women who keep house help. I mean, first of all, I did try to make her understand that we must not form opinions on women who are different from us. Keeping maids does not mean that someone is lazy, giving priority to work and having a career does not mean that someone doesn’t love their children and being on social media does not mean we are hungry for attention all the time.

There is a group of such people who are constantly against such things and only want to see and propagate their perspective. I am on several groups on social media and the only thing that I do on these platforms is to voice my opinion, to find like-minded women and people at large, to read some absolutely amazing material that they offer and most importantly to reach out to people. I enjoy posting pictures too once in a while and garner some good compliments. Does that make me a bad person? Or someone who is hungry for accolades all the time? Or craving for attention? Well absolutely NOT. And to think of it, don’t we all like being complimented and admired? We all do. I understand that social media has exploded and has made us addicted to “Likes”. But using it sensibly is in our hands. Just because some people misuse it, not everyone on the platform is the same. Once more judgements of others causing the melodrama and unrest.

The problem is, we are all the time either busy proving to the world that we are leading the best life or else trying to find faults with other’s lives so that we get to feel superior. We fail to understand that we are unconsciously making someone feel inferior about themselves. Imagine when we boast about how we manage to do all housework without any help then someone who has house help will feel inferior and then they will try to justify their choices. Worst, they will try to portray that they work hard in the house, just so that they are accepted as a normal and worthy person. This happens in every field and sphere, be it home or office. The constant struggle to fit in, either makes us feel worthless because we try to be someone who we are not, or else it pressurizes us and we ultimately break down under the pressure.

Result? – we lose ourselves. We lose the essence of what we truly are. We hate ourselves for not being like everyone else. For not being someone who is loved by all. For not being someone who is respected for the virtues that have been defined by a select few. Feeling loved and accepted is a prime necessity of every human being. We all need it. This does not mean we support outright unacceptable things that might be detrimental but it is about accepting a person’s true nature.

Do we realize that we are doing a crime by being so narrow-minded? That we are killing the purpose of being human? Human intelligence is the only one that can distinguish and understand emotions. Are we really doing justice to being one?

We must strive for liberation rather than falling trap to self-created boundaries. We need to be more accepting – of ourselves first so that it then leads to accepting others just the way they are. Societies and cultures will change drastically and we will have less of depression and suicide cases then. We will have less of broken dreams and unfulfilled desires. #nehaism


bottom of page